My Big Fat Trainer
Imposter Syndrome
Have you ever felt like a fraud? An imposter? Like you are pretending to be someone that you are not. I have.
Everyday when I go to work, I live a lie. Only my lie is visible and can’t be hidden. It shows on my hips, stomach, arms, legs, and face.
For as long as I can remember, I have loved fitness. I would slip my leg warmers over top of my leggings and head to aerobics everyday after school in the 80’s. Jumping around in full neon gear to the tunes of Janet Jackson and The Escape Club was a favorite past time and made me feel and look great
I sort of continued with my exercise passion in college. But not really. It kind of faded as hangovers and nachos took over for awhile. If I needed to lose a few pounds, eating fat free foods, like air-popped popcorn dipped in mustard, for a few days would help me look thinner. Things were easier then.
Post-college(before kids)there was pumping iron and cardio equipment in the gym combined with eating chicken and lettuce to stay thin and fit. My body always responded to whatever “plan” I was on that week.
As my weight started to get a little more difficult to lasso in and the exercise wasn’t enough, I dabbled with diets… Susan Powter fat-free, Atkins all protein, Weight-Watchers calorie counting. Marilu Henner(the lady from Taxi)even had a no dairy, no meat, food combining weight-loss health book that I followed religiously for a few months. It was great if you don’t mind starving. Oh and Suzanne Summers from Three’s Company taught me how to eat like the French people… lots of cheese and fat. Yuck!
These things worked for a while. Then I had children and eventually turned forty! What the heck?! Why is forty that magic number where NOTHING works for weight loss? Despite all my strength training and cardio workouts, my weight continued to increase. My hormones felt like they were wacky and I suffered from anxiety, eventually needing to be medicated.
Shortly after my second child was born, I decided to take the financial plunge and started to see a personal trainer a few days a week and did lose some weight, became stronger, and really thrived for a little while. I even became a certified personal trainer myself! Wow.. what an accomplishment. It took me a few years. The exam is no joke.
Eventually I got some clients and while the kids were in school was training close to twenty people each week. I was really busy and people seemed to like me despite my not so trainer like body. They kept coming back and the money kept me training them! I thought that I would really lose some weight being in the gym everyday working, moving, and being active.
Boy was I wrong. The opposite happened.
The more I worked, the fatter I got. I didn't have the time for myself anymore. I was putting clients in timeslots where I would normally exercise. I was getting older and my usual diet and exercise plan was not working at all. So now here I am… a big fat trainer.
Clients ask me for advice on eating all the time. I tell them to do what works for them. There is not one answer that fits everyone. I can help them with their exercise form and put together an amazing workout plan that will be safe and effective. But as far as weight loss and diet I have no answers anymore. I don’t know the answer. There is too much conflicting information out there and nothing is clear to me.
I try my best to hide behind my oversized sweatshirt. I could never wear a tank top or anything form fitting because they would surely see the fraud that is me. Who am I fooling? Nobody.
So here I am… still a big fat trainer, trying to find her way.
Being that we are trying to survive a pandemic right now, I am more concerned about my health than I am my weight. But whatever my motive, I know I need to do something. I know I have the tools. I just need to find what works for me.
I am going to be doing some research and try to find a way get my groove back(like Stella). This 48 year old body is wanting and needing to be leaner, fitter, and healthier and I just have to figure out what makes it respond..what works for me. Maybe what works for me will work for you too. I am on a mission and will let you know. Stay tuned!
Shelly Cressler is an ACE certified personal trainer with specialties in behavior change, weight management, and sports nutirtion. Despite all of this, she does not have it all figured out. She is freelance writer too.
Follow her journey as she is more determined that ever to get fit and healthy!
